Using Words, Not Actions

One of the most powerful tools for handling anger is using I-STATEMENTS. An I-statement tells someone how YOU feel without blaming or attacking them.

The formula is:

'I feel ___ when you ___ because ___.'

Examples:

'I feel angry when you take my pencil because I need it for my work.'

'I feel frustrated when you do not listen because I have something important to say.'

'I feel hurt when you leave me out because I want to play too.'

Compare these to YOU-statements:

'YOU are so mean!' (attacking)

'YOU always take my stuff!' (blaming)

'YOU never let me play!' (accusing)

See the difference? I-statements talk about YOUR feelings. YOU-statements attack the other person. Which one do you think leads to a better conversation?

I-statements work because they tell the other person how you feel WITHOUT making them defensive. When people feel attacked, they get defensive and angry too. But when they hear about your feelings, they are more likely to listen and care.